I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.