I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...