yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
