I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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