I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Randomize
