chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
