I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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