so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
