i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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