i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
