I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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