Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
