peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
