She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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