thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
