I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
