it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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