Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
