Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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