Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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