Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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