if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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