so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
