So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
