are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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