Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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