once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
