I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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