Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
