If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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