AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
