i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Also, beer. Big fan.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.