you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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