I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
