This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
