Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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