I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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