you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
