Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
