im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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