My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
