If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
