her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
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He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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