No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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