guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
