this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
