Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
