No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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