If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
