Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hippo gnu deer
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
