You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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