last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
my liver is dry heaving
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
