FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
