I wish my penis had an off switch
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
