saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing