I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.