the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.