Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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