a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
