we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.