Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think I died a long time ago.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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