i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
