you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
